It’s All About Feelings

The idea for the podcast came from two sources, really.

One my own experience in business over many years. Also, I’ve had the pleasure of working with and coaching amazing women.

No doubt, like yourself, these are ambitious women who are building thriving businesses and finding it challenging at times to juggle work-life balance and having a great relationship while building their businesses.

As a huge fan of podcasts, I know that often people perhaps start their first podcast like this, sharing lots about who they are, their journey, their experiences, and what they do.

I want to share some of that with you over the coming weeks and episodes. Yet, what I thought would be helpful is that this podcast is about unravelling your business brain, so why not start doing that right from the beginning of episode one?

In the fast-paced world that we live in today, especially with what we’ve all been through over the last couple of years, I’ve noticed that there are some real commonalities that women are facing when they are juggling building businesses, wanting to achieve a work-life balance, have fun, have a great relationship, have a great family life.

What better place to start with podcast one is to begin sharing some ideas on how you can begin this journey of unravelling your business brain.

While I’m doing that, I can also share with you some of my story, what led me to be doing what I am currently doing, and how I work with female business owners right now. Also, share my journey and some of the many things I’ve learned that have helped me unravel my brain, understand it more, and allow me to be in charge of my brain rather than being at the effect of it.

I’ll share more about that as we get into our conversations over the coming episodes and weeks. Let’s dive in and get started.

When I talk to women, they describe a whole array of what is going on for them in terms of feelings.

For some people, they might be feeling frustrated that their business perhaps has plateaued. Some talk about their frustration at not being as far ahead as they would like. For others, they are so excited at all the possibilities. Yet, because of that, they’re also feeling overwhelmed about which opportunity they pursue to take their business to the next level. As a result of that overwhelm, often it leads to inaction.

For many, it can be business is going great guns, and the frustration, the challenge, the difficulty, whatever word they use to describe how they’re feeling, the issue is with things outside their life.

It could be dealing with the challenges of an elderly parent or feeling at a loss as to what to do about their special relationship with their loved one. Things in the relationship haven’t been right for a while, and there’s a whole array of reasons behind that.

Yet, someone recognises that one part of their life, work, is great, and they want that special relationship also to be great so they can start living and enjoying the fruits of their hard labour and do it with that special person.

There can be many reasons why that relationship isn’t working the way they want. Let’s stay with this conversation around relationships for a time so that I can give you an example of something that will be helpful and you can take away and start using.

When you think about your special relationship– be honest with yourself right now– how often might you find yourself thinking, “I would be so much happier if my partner would help me more around the house or help me more with driving the kids around.” Or” I’d feel more loved if they made more loving, romantic gestures.”

Perhaps they could be more tactile or, “I’d feel we were more of a team if we shared cooking, shopping, thinking about what we’re going to be having for tea that day, rather than it all being left to me.”

Sometimes these are simple, everyday life things, yet when they aren’t working how we want them to work, they begin to build up. We get frustrated or annoyed.

We can even feel taken advantage of. A whole raft of emotions come up for people. If you take a moment, think about what is happening in each of those examples I gave you.

When you reflect on them, what we’re saying is how we feel as individuals are determined by what another person does or doesn’t do!

If we extrapolate that, then how we feel is determined by something outside of us, outside of our control.

Is that really the case?

Do the circumstances that we find ourselves in, whether personal and relationship-related or professional, determine how we feel?

Now, here is where it gets interesting. In my experience over many years, and before I had insight into much of this work, this applied to me.

There are times when it still applies to me today. Generally, whether we feel happy, sad, or excited, whether we regard ourselves as successful in our businesses or disappointed in where we’re at with our companies, we attribute how we feel to the circumstances we find ourselves experiencing.

As a society, we’ve become conditioned to think that we’ll be happy when we land the next big client or we’ll be happy when we are in that dream home that we have visualised and journaled about. Maybe you’ve even cut out images of your dream home in a magazine and saved it somewhere safe.

We’ve become conditioned to think that when our teams are performing, and they’re motivated, we can stop working all the extra hours we’re working.

We might decide, “I’ll be happy when I’m financially secure.”

When will that be? Because we probably all have different criteria around what we regard as financially secure and what that means for us.

Are we willing then to put our happiness on hold until we’ve achieved these things?

If we watch TV, for example, think about the adverts we face every day. I’m only talking about TV here because we’re exposed to so many other advertising mediums, aren’t we?

TV suggests that we will be happy when we have booked our dream holiday or gone out and bought a whole M&S banquet of food.

Or perhaps indulged in some adult drinks, as one of my good friends calls it.

When we think about it, TV advertising reinforces the concept that we will get to feel good when something outside of us happens.

We will get to feel good when we are in certain situations.

Let’s face some facts, though, because how often have you heard super successful people who seem to have it all in many ways talk in interviews of times when they’ve been so incredibly unhappy.

How can that be?

This is where I want to go a little bit scientific with you. I promise to keep it simple.
When we think about neuroscience, the facts are that external circumstances do not determine how you or I feel at any point.

What determines how we feel are our thoughts about the situation or circumstances we find ourselves in.

Our thoughts about the people in our lives, our thoughts about the relationships we have, whether they are professional, social, or with that special person in our lives.

How you and I feel at any given moment in time is determined by the thoughts that we have. It’s as simple as that.

Clients often say, “All I need to do, Sharon, is swap my thoughts. If I’m thinking something negative about my loved one, if I think something positive, then it’ll change how I feel. Is that it? Is that what you’re saying?”

Well, I wish it was that simple. Sometimes it can be, then other times it’s a bit more complicated. When you think about it, most of the time, we are unaware of what we are thinking. We go through our day-to-day lives and busy working days; we go home, and many things are going on at home.

How often do you take the time to stop and think about what you’re thinking?

You might take time to stop and think about what you’re doing, how that’s working, how it’s not working, what colleagues are doing, what your family is doing, how that is moving you forward, achieving what you want to achieve.

When do you reflect on how your family is achieving their goals… whatever the kids are involved in, whatever your partner’s involved in workwise?

Importantly, how often do you genuinely stop and think about what you’re thinking about it?

It rarely happens until perhaps you stumble across something. It could be a podcast or a conversation with a friend or a colleague. It could be an article you’re reading in a journal, a blog, or a book, and suddenly you stop, thinking, “Hmm. Now, what do I think about my thoughts?”

You stop and think about politics, what’s going on in the news, and everything else, but rarely do we take time to think about our thoughts and how we’re thinking.

Let me build on this idea further for you.

Let’s take a situation you find yourself in at work, where maybe a colleague has done something, and you find yourself cringing about how you heard them talking to someone on the phone.

That someone happened to be an important client, and, inside, you’re feeling frustrated and annoyed because you know that you’ve had a conversation with that particular staff member about how they talk to clients on the phone.

It doesn’t matter whether that’s an important client or not. What is happening here is you are saying to yourself that you are feeling frustrated because of what someone outside of you, i.e., your colleague, has done.

Let’s look at the facts of the situation because if we strip out the emotion, we strip out the tone that you heard your employee using on the phone. We concentrated on the words that that individual used– what you must remember here is not to have judgments about the words but literally mention the words.

Here’s the thing, it’s not the words that make you feel frustrated or annoyed.

It’s the meaning that you are making, and so it’s likely that the meaning that you are making is that, well, in your judgment, that didn’t sound very good.

The client might think, “Ooh, that was a bit sharp. That’s not the normal kind of response that I get from “Acme.”

It might be, “Hmm, well, that’s the last time I’m going to talk to Tom. I think I prefer talking to Kate, the MD.”

Your brain is running riot with the meaning that you are making of those words.

Now, of course, what happens is you are creating meaning from the tonality that the individual team member used, as well as perhaps some descriptive words that you heard.

The drama in your head of that brief conversation you overheard is built up and built up, so the meaning you create about how the client responded becomes an even bigger drama.

Whereas when you look at it from a fact point of view, and you look at the words, they’re just words, and those words don’t create any meaning.

They don’t create a feeling.

Your interpretation of those words is purely making you feel how you’re feeling.

Now, there’s a major upside to this realisation: I love to be in control, which means that I get to control how I feel.

I don’t have to rely on other people or other external situations to determine how I  feel. If I want to feel secure right now, I can feel safe. If I want to feel happy, disappointed, or frustrated, I get to choose that.

Depending on how I respond to a situation, I’d rather feel something positive, and I might feel sad.

There is, however, a downside, ladies, to this, and here it is.

It’s that realisation that “Ah, so if external circumstances are not causing how I feel, then I can’t blame those circumstances anymore.😉

I certainly can’t blame other people because I get to decide.

I am not at the effect of other people, what they’re doing, what they’re saying, how they’re being.

I’m certainly not at the effect of what is happening around me because I am just in the driving seat, and I can take charge,” and that’s liberating.

If that’s not been how you’ve been doing ‘you’ and living your life, then it’s different.

It requires a shift. I know because I think when I first had this realisation and came across this kind of thinking, it was a revelation, and it was also an insight that, “Right, well, this is time for me to step up and take control.”

Sometimes people think that perhaps I’ve taken control too far, and I hold my hand to that. You know what I mean.

I think you get a sense of what I’m saying here.

I imagine the question you have whizzing around in your head right now is, “So what do I do? How do I begin to use what you’re sharing, Sharon?”

There are some steps that I want to share, and I encourage you to start using these steps. Maybe choose a part of your life to begin exploring and playing with this idea.

Let’s say, for example; you start at home. Step one.

Step one is to begin to notice your thoughts about what is happening at home.

Let’s say you walk in after a long day and agree it’s your other half’s turn to cook. You walk in, and you have this expectation– and we’ll talk about these kinds of expectations another time. Still, you expect that dinner will be well on the way, or it’s certainly going to be in the preparation phase, let’s say that.

You walk in the door, and there’s chaos. There’s no chopping. There’s no cooking; You get that sinking feeling.

That voice inside your head is starting to kick into action: “Well, so what’s going on here? I thought it was their turn to start cooking. Why can’t I smell anything? Why is nothing happening? Why is the house so quiet?

“Am I going to have to start cooking again?”

You start to feel deflated.

Okay. Just notice that conversation in your head and become aware of how you feel resulting from that conversation.

There might be the alternative scenario, let’s say, where you walk in, and there is this gorgeous aroma of garlic and onions cooking. I don’t know about you, but I love the smell of garlic and onions cooking.

There’s a pot of Bolognese just simmering away on the stove, and you think, “Oh wow, that’s fantastic. I am just so pleased.”

There’s a feeling of relief that, hey, you planned that your other half would cook last night, and it’s happening.

Dinner’s not going to be long, and you’re just feeling so relieved that the plan’s come together, and you’ll have dinner cooked for you.

Now notice the difference in the conversation you’re having with yourself and the loving thoughts that you are having about your loved one and how you feel towards them.

That’s the first thing.

All I want you to do is start to notice your thinking and how you feel.

In step two, you can begin to take control and notice when you are having thoughts that are creating feelings that you don’t want to have.

Step two is thinking, “If I don’t want to feel deflated, how do I want to feel? I want to feel excited about coming home. I want to look forward to it. I want to feel relaxed.”

Okay. Now, if that is how you want to feel, ask yourself this question, “What would I need to think to feel relaxed?”

It could be like, “I love my home, and I’m always relaxed in my home”. Or, “Being home and being with my loved ones is what relaxation is all about for me.” You can notice here that no external criteria are kicking in to determine how relaxed you will be.

You’re deciding, and you’re choosing what relaxation is going to mean for you.

Whatever the circumstances are when you open that door, whether there is that gorgeous smell of garlic and onions– and I appreciate that that might not be everybody’s idea of relaxation, it works for me– but whatever you smell or don’t smell when you open that door, you can still decide to feel relaxed because your decision is. Your thought is that being home with your loved ones is what relaxation is all about.

As this is a new approach, start with something gentle, be kind to yourself.

Begin to notice your thoughts and how what you are thinking is driving what you’re feeling.

It’s a massive game-changer; it is.

It doesn’t mean to say that you will not have negative thoughts. Not. It means you will have the fullest experience of the highs and lows of emotions. It also means that you will start noticing your feelings and emotions more, as well as what your thoughts are driving all those feelings.

It means that ultimately you get to regain control, take responsibility for how you feel, and start making new choices.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the first podcast.

I certainly have, despite the nerves, which did settle down, I’m glad to say.

I’d love to hear how you have found what I’ve been sharing today and how you’ve found using it? What your experiences have been?

I hope you come back and join me next time. I’ve got many things I want to share with you over the coming podcasts, weeks, and months.

I look forward to having another conversation with you. Take care and have a great week. That’s Sharon from Sharon Newey Coaching.

 

How I Can Help

 

Have You Stopped Moving Forward?  

I’ve been coaching people for over 30 years and it started with a sales representative who just couldn’t close because of the things they had spinning around in their head.

I have seen the same pattern at play in nearly every client I have started working with.

The good news is that I have created a short video series that will give you some relief straight away.

Click here

Thanks

Sharon

P.S If you would like to find out more about how coaching and if I can help you then drop me an email to Sharon@Sharonnewey.com